Chapter four - Nick

Nick... who the hell is Nick? Yeah, good question really...  
Let´s see 

Every day is the same now

I can not sleep, not really... or that´s what it feels like, anyway.
I toss and turn. I curl up on top of the blanket and still can find no rest.
I dream. I sweat.

At some point I usually just give it up and lie there, staring into empty space, trying to find a reason, just one good reason why I should get up

Bull. Who needs a reason to live

If there is one thing I have learned, it´s  that life goes on... with or without you. Or me
So why bother

Let´s see what´s on the menu this morning... ah, great. Beer or orange juice... Easy

Crap, I can´t even remember the last time I went shopping for food... Maybe I should start a `to do´ list 

Eh... didn´t notice that the juice didn´t win the last time, either

Man this is creepy... Am I loosing it, again? The thought sends a shiver down my spine
I really need to focus, I have been taking to long a break from the nastier aspects of life
I square my shoulders, let my back crick... get dressed

Hello world
Hello mailbox
Hello bills... naw, you needn´t bring ALL your friends

Slowly I read through them all and make a quick rough calculation... which is exactly the moment when I remember that Sheila kicked me out of the Lizard last week. 

Joe. Fight. 

No. No. NO!

What the hell was I thinking?! I need the bar job, it´s all that´s been keeping me afloat lately

One after the other, all comes back- I got so pissed that night, I even put my guitar in pawn to go on the next day... days? Christ!
One of these days my temper is going to be the end of me

And here we go again. It´s not like it´s the first time I have to beg to make it, but still...
I am not so sure whether Sheila will even listen to me at all

No use in standing out here any longer like the idiot I am
I draw one last deep drag and push open the door

"Eh... hi Sheila..."

"Now look who´s there. Good morning Nick. Anything you want? A drink maybe, for breakfast?" 

Crap. The Rising of the Eyebrow... next, she will be crossing her arms...

"No, thanks. Listen... I know I got out of line with that creep... I am sorry, really. So... I just wanted to check out... am I still working here?"

"Yes you are. But you better not rely on me to save your sorry butt next time you crack, got that?"

Yep. Nothing wrong with my ears, at least
I know she is right, but that doesn´t mean I have to like it. Stiffly I turn to leave 

"Thank you boss. See you tonight, then"

"Hell Nick, don´t be so effing stuck up! How long have we been knowing each other now? You know I have a soft spot for silly buggers like you, and I know you are stone broke as always. So do you want something for breakfast now or what?"

I can´t help but laugh "Hell self Sheila, why do you always have to be right? It´s unalluring in a girl, yanno?"

With a snort she clancks a plate of suspicious looking tacos on the bar in front of me and turns her back on me
God I am so hungry
I didn´t realize how hungry I was until now

Next stop, the pawn broker´s

It´s only when I exhale with a sigh that I realize I have been holding my breath all the way up the stairs... but today must be my lucky day indeed, my guitar is still there... although they already put it on display

Close shave, I´d say... well, time to bargain

"Yo Nick, dude... thought you wouldn´t make it this time..." 

Ho ho. Funny as ever

"Hey Mike, how´s it hanging? Listen up, there is a little... problem here. I don´t exactly HAVE the money yet..."

"...lemme guess, so you want to trade your ride for your guitar, again... save your breath, dude. Just grab your lady... and you better not be late to redeem you bike"

I am fairly sure that Mike is stoned most of the time, but somehow it doesn´t seem to affect his sense of time much. Too bad- guess I better make some money fast

It´s still some hours until I have to show up at the Lizard, so why not put the spare time to a use and play for tips in the park?
I play for some time, enjoying the peace and quiet, only occasionally disturbed be the sound of someone dropping small change into the guitar case

I get so carried away, it takes me some time to notice that I have an audience- my fan club pays me a visit

Smiling, I put the guitar down
It´s always nice to see friendly face

This is when I realize the kid doesn´t look exactly happy today

Crap. Time to put on a brave face and for some serious cheering up, it seems

"Hey Seam. What´s up? You are early, and you look like crap..." 

OK maybe I am not so talented in that cheering up thing

He puts his chin up, imitating me 

"Yeah do I? Must run in the family then, ´cause, man, you look like crap yourself. So what´s up with YOU?"

Ouch. 

"Hey, I asked you first, right? Plus, I am all grown up and all that... and it´s always the same, anyway. So why don´t we just skip the replay of my crap and get straight to yours?" 
He falls silent for a moment

Then he cracks open and starts to rant and boy how I wish he had no reason to 

"She´s been doing it again! This time she dissapeared for THREE DAYS IN A ROW! She didn´t call, she had her phone switched off when I tried to call her, she didn´t drop ANY money, there was next to no foodstuff left!"

"The last day, I didn´t know what to feed to the twins in the evening! Man I have been nicking stuff from peoples lunchboxes at school- and as I get back home, she is waltzing in with those grocery bags just as if she went shopping for an hour. I just can´t take it anymore!"

The bitch. The goddam, effing... I grit my teeth with some effort... in the end I realize I have to say something, anything. I can´t bear to look him in the eye when I clear my throat

"I told you before, and I am telling you again. Being loyal towards your mother is all nice and that, but if she is starving you kids it´s time to call on social services for support"

There is a long silence after that piece of wisdom. Reluctantly I shoot Seam a glance

"I know. But who is going to believe me anyway? She´s fooling everyone. Take her co-worker there, for example" He nods towards some woman passing "She has been to the movies with us sometimes- anyone ask her, she´d swear Mom is the perfect mother"

God no one that age should sound so completely hopeless ... I look up to examine this co worker of my dear sis...

WHAT?!

Christ almighty, it´s that woman I scared the night in front of the Lizard! I need to talk to her!

"Lady! Hey, Lady! Wait a minute! Lady! Please!"

"You." 
Oh crap. She remembers me, too

"Lady listen, I am sorry, I just want to apologize- I shouldn´t have yelled at you, I am sorry! You just being friendly and all, wasn´t right, shouldn´t have... eh, did I say I am sorry yet?!" 

She puts a hand on her hip . That a grin starting to spread on her face? 

"You may have mentioned it casually..."

It is! Thank god 
"Hey Le! Just ignore him, he´s not much of  a talker" 

What the?! 

"Seamus? Oh dear, it must be ages, what are you doing here?"

"Eh, school´s been out early, so I thought I´d stop by and spent some time with Nick, ah this guy Nick here, happens to be my uncle, yanno?"

´This guy Nick happens to be my uncle?!´ Christ... 

"... and he really is an ok guy, just has a bit of a temper, sometimes, and if he was rude and says he is sorry, then he really is..."

"... so you need not be angry, really, ´cause he´d never, yanno, hurt a fly or suchlike..." 

She - Le - starts to look a little to concerned for my liking- seems she´s a bright one 

"Seamus, are you skipping school?"

Caught, buddy. The kid gulps visibly... wonder how he´s gonna wriggle out of that one 

"...yes. Le don´t tell Mom, please. She´s gonna kill me if she finds out"

 What?!

And she doesn´t even laugh that one off. Instead, she turns to me, only sligtly rising one eybrow
"Would she?"
"Let´s just say, wouldn´t surprise me" I mumble, shooting the kid a look 
Seamus is silently wringing his hands now

"Alright then, I will not tell her we met" 
She glances at her watch 
"Oh dear, that late already- I need to get back to the office..."

"Say, do you play at that bar often?"

Eh, what? 
"Eh, yes, most of the evenings, actually- why you askin´?"

"Because I thought you were really good. And I would love to listen to you some more. Nice to know where to find you"

What? 

"I really better be off now, but I will definitely stop by to hear you play one of these days. Goodbye, Nick" 

... what a smile...

... and nice butt, too...

"Man, that was epic. You are SUCH a fail when it comes to talking to people, you know that?" 

...cute dress...

"Ground control to Nick? Hulloh? You still there somewhere?"

"Eh what?"
"Nevermind..." 

Crap, he was talking to me, and I didn´t listen

"Nick, do I really have to go back? Can´t I just stay with you?"

If there was anything left of it, my heart would be breaking right now 

"Kid... you know there is no way Heather will have that... and no court in the world would give ME custody for you boys"

"I know. But can´t we just pretend I could? Please"

Oh sweet Lord Jesus... this is... 
"Sure kid. Right. You can come and stay with me any time. Bring the twins, too. Anytime"

My eyes burn 
Why am I such a loser myself that I can´t even help the kids

I don´t feel like playing in the park anymore, I don´t feel anything at all
I better get going anyway, it´s a long walk to the Lizard. 
Crap. Crap. CRAP 
I need to redeem my ride somehow, make some money

I make it in time, but just so. I get lucky as a the customers have not started to pour in for the evening yet, so I can at least have an orange juice before I start to play... much needed after endless walking through those dusty streets in the afternoon heat

This night, no trouble. No ghost from the past. No Le, either

When Sheila finally calls it a day, I still feel like crap 
"Pour me one, yeah?"

Wordlessly, she hands me the pay for tonight and poures me a large glass of that stuff we always call nail polish remover between ourselves
Man I must look it if the big lady doesn´t even comment

I watch her cleaning while I slowly finish my drink... 
I take my time and so does Sheila, both of us knowing there is nothing waiting for us back home

But any glass can only last you so long, in the end I carefully slip down from my barstool 
Just one glass, and I already feel dizzy... need to eat more...

Just as I turn to leave, she calls after me 
"Hey Nick, take care, huh? See ya tomorrow"

Take care. Shizz. If I could take care of things, we´d never met in the first place, hon 
"You, too, Sheila"

If I stay another minute, I will spill my guts to her, I can feel it coming 
So I do what I do best 
I run

After almost an hour´s walk through the sleeping town I finally make it home 
My feet hurt, and the cold night air has sobered me up

Home sweet home... it´s freezing, I wonder if I should light the fire? It feels like to much of an effort...

The bathroom is a mess 
Right; I was planning on doing some washing

I stubb out my cigarette in the sink and look at my reflection for a while, then get undressed, adding todays dirty clothes to the heap on the tiles and crawl onto the bed, dead tired

And as most nights, sleep won´t come. 
In the day, it´s so easy to block out how messed up everything is, but at night it all comes back. 

Joe. Egypt. The prison

I am on the verge of loosing it again, I can feel it coming

But I will not give in. I just won´t. And one day, I will be ok, just like that. I`ll move into the country, take the kids with me...
And breed flying pigs