|Nick... who the hell is Nick? Yeah, good question really...
|Every day is the same now
|I can not sleep, not really... or that´s what it feels like, anyway.
I toss and turn. I curl up on top of the blanket and still can find no rest.
I dream. I sweat.
At some point I usually just give it up and lie there, staring into empty space, trying to find a reason, just one good reason why I should get up
|Bull. Who needs a reason to live
|If there is one thing I have learned, it´s that life goes on... with or without you. Or me
So why bother
|Let´s see what´s on the menu this morning... ah, great. Beer or orange juice... Easy
|Crap, I can´t even remember the last time I went shopping for food... Maybe I should start a `to do´ list
|Eh... didn´t notice that the juice didn´t win the last time, either
|Man this is creepy... Am I loosing it, again? The thought sends a shiver down my spine
I really need to focus, I have been taking to long a break from the nastier aspects of life
I square my shoulders, let my back crick... get dressed
Hello bills... naw, you needn´t bring ALL your friends
Slowly I read through them all and make a quick rough calculation... which is exactly the moment when I remember that Sheila kicked me out of the Lizard last week.
No. No. NO!
|What the hell was I thinking?! I need the bar job, it´s all that´s been keeping me afloat lately
|One after the
other, all comes back- I got so pissed that night, I even put my guitar
in pawn to go on the next day... days? Christ!
One of these days my temper is going to be the end of me
|And here we go again. It´s not like it´s the first time I have to beg to make it, but still...
I am not so sure whether Sheila will even listen to me at all
|No use in standing out here any longer like the idiot I am
I draw one last deep drag and push open the door
|"Eh... hi Sheila..."
|"Now look who´s there. Good morning Nick. Anything you want? A drink maybe, for breakfast?"
Crap. The Rising of the Eyebrow... next, she will be crossing her arms...
"No, thanks. Listen... I know I got out of line with that creep... I am sorry, really. So... I just wanted to check out... am I still working here?"
"Yes you are. But you better not rely on me to save your sorry butt next time you crack, got that?"
|Yep. Nothing wrong with my ears, at least
I know she is right, but that doesn´t mean I have to like it. Stiffly I turn to leave
"Thank you boss. See you tonight, then"
"Hell Nick, don´t be so effing stuck up! How long have we been knowing each other now? You know I have a soft spot for silly buggers like you, and I know you are stone broke as always. So do you want something for breakfast now or what?"
|I can´t help but laugh "Hell self Sheila, why do you always have to be right? It´s unalluring in a girl, yanno?"
|With a snort she clancks a plate of suspicious looking tacos on the bar in front of me and turns her back on me
God I am so hungry
I didn´t realize how hungry I was until now
|Next stop, the pawn broker´s
|It´s only when I exhale with a sigh that I realize I have been holding my breath all the way up the stairs... but today must be my lucky day indeed, my guitar is still there... although they already put it on display
|Close shave, I´d say... well, time to bargain
|"Yo Nick, dude... thought you wouldn´t make it this time..."
Ho ho. Funny as ever
|"Hey Mike, how´s it hanging? Listen up, there is a little... problem here. I don´t exactly HAVE the money yet..."
"...lemme guess, so you want to trade your ride for your guitar, again... save your breath, dude. Just grab your lady... and you better not be late to redeem you bike"
|I am fairly sure that Mike is stoned most of the time, but somehow it doesn´t seem to affect his sense of time much. Too bad- guess I better make some money fast
|I get so carried away, it takes me some time to notice that I have an audience- my fan club pays me a visit
|Smiling, I put the guitar down
It´s always nice to see friendly face
|This is when I realize the kid doesn´t look exactly happy today
|Crap. Time to put on a brave face and for some serious cheering up, it seems
|"Hey Seam. What´s up? You are early, and you look like crap..."
OK maybe I am not so talented in that cheering up thing
|He puts his chin up, imitating me
"Yeah do I? Must run in the family then, ´cause, man, you look like crap yourself. So what´s up with YOU?"
"Hey, I asked you first, right? Plus, I am all grown up and all that... and it´s always the same, anyway. So why don´t we just skip the replay of my crap and get straight to yours?"
He falls silent for a moment
|God no one that age should sound so completely hopeless ... I look up to examine this co worker of my dear sis...
|Christ almighty, it´s that woman I scared the night in front of the Lizard! I need to talk to her!
|"Lady! Hey, Lady! Wait a minute! Lady! Please!"
Oh crap. She remembers me, too
|It is! Thank god
"Hey Le! Just ignore him, he´s not much of a talker"
"Seamus? Oh dear, it must be ages, what are you doing here?"
|"Eh, school´s been out early, so I thought I´d stop by and spent some time with Nick, ah this guy Nick here, happens to be my uncle, yanno?"
|´This guy Nick happens to be my uncle?!´ Christ...
"... and he really is an ok guy, just has a bit of a temper, sometimes, and if he was rude and says he is sorry, then he really is..."
|"... so you need not be angry, really, ´cause he´d never, yanno, hurt a fly or suchlike..."
She - Le - starts to look a little to concerned for my liking- seems she´s a bright one
"Seamus, are you skipping school?"
|Caught, buddy. The kid gulps visibly... wonder how he´s gonna wriggle out of that one
"...yes. Le don´t tell Mom, please. She´s gonna kill me if she finds out"
|And she doesn´t even laugh that one off. Instead, she turns to me, only sligtly rising one eybrow
"Let´s just say, wouldn´t surprise me" I mumble, shooting the kid a look
Seamus is silently wringing his hands now
|"Alright then, I will not tell her we met"
She glances at her watch
"Oh dear, that late already- I need to get back to the office..."
|"Say, do you play at that bar often?"
"Eh, yes, most of the evenings, actually- why you askin´?"
|"Because I thought you were really good. And I would love to listen to you some more. Nice to know where to find you"
"I really better be off now, but I will definitely stop by to hear you play one of these days. Goodbye, Nick"
... what a smile...
|... and nice butt, too...
|"Man, that was epic. You are SUCH a fail when it comes to talking to people, you know that?"
|"Ground control to Nick? Hulloh? You still there somewhere?"
Crap, he was talking to me, and I didn´t listen
|"Nick, do I really have to go back? Can´t I just stay with you?"
|If there was anything left of it, my heart would be breaking right now
"Kid... you know there is no way Heather will have that... and no court in the world would give ME custody for you boys"
|"I know. But can´t we just pretend I could? Please"
Oh sweet Lord Jesus... this is...
"Sure kid. Right. You can come and stay with me any time. Bring the twins, too. Anytime"
|My eyes burn
Why am I such a loser myself that I can´t even help the kids
|I don´t feel like playing in the park anymore, I don´t feel anything at all
I better get going anyway, it´s a long walk to the Lizard.
Crap. Crap. CRAP
I need to redeem my ride somehow, make some money
|This night, no trouble. No ghost from the past. No Le, either
|When Sheila finally calls it a day, I still feel like crap
"Pour me one, yeah?"
she hands me the pay for tonight and poures me a large glass of that
stuff we always call nail polish remover between ourselves
Man I must look it if the big lady doesn´t even comment
|I watch her cleaning while I slowly finish my drink...
I take my time and so does Sheila, both of us knowing there is nothing waiting for us back home
|But any glass can only last you so long, in the end I carefully slip down from my barstool
Just one glass, and I already feel dizzy... need to eat more...
|Just as I turn to leave, she calls after me
"Hey Nick, take care, huh? See ya tomorrow"
|Take care. Shizz. If I could take care of things, we´d never met in the first place, hon
"You, too, Sheila"
|If I stay another minute, I will spill my guts to her, I can feel it coming
So I do what I do best
|After almost an hour´s walk through the sleeping town I finally make it home
My feet hurt, and the cold night air has sobered me up
|Home sweet home... it´s freezing, I wonder if I should light the fire? It feels like to much of an effort...
|The bathroom is a mess
Right; I was planning on doing some washing
|I stubb out my cigarette in the sink and look at my reflection for a while, then get undressed, adding todays dirty clothes to the heap on the tiles and crawl onto the bed, dead tired
|And as most nights, sleep won´t come.
In the day, it´s so easy to block out how messed up everything is, but at night it all comes back.
Joe. Egypt. The prison
I am on the verge of loosing it again, I can feel it coming
|But I will not
give in. I just won´t. And one day, I will be ok, just like that. I`ll
move into the country, take the kids with me...
And breed flying pigs